Bander Tirrion may be rethinking the plans to expand his latest architectural masterpiece following recent events that have left him more than a little red-faced. Anyone who lives in his iconic Tower Complex will certainly be looking to get their money back, and may have already taken more pointy methods of getting even.
The Tower Complex is a network of large, vertical homes, built into Towers. Where the genius, and appeal, for the wealthy and slightly black-hearted that choose these towers as their homes is from Bander Tirrion’s unique method of building, a method that reduces costs. Bander had started to think in recent years that whilst bricks are all right, especially for weighing things down, or hitting people with, they’re actually quite expensive. This has something to do with the fact that Bander operates within a small cluster of Kingdoms known as the Withering Sands, in a place where stone is about as abundant as a giggling blue Llama. Very rare, then, especially now that the giggling blue Llamas have all moved up North.
So bricks have to be outsourced, and most people tend to think that lugging a thousand bricks eight hundred miles is too much of a favour to ask, and as such, Bander Tirrion has found himself in the annoying position of having to buy in bricks. It was whilst pondering this problem that the solution hit him like, well, a brick.
Poor people are quite sturdy, Bander realised. After all, winter is quite harsh, what with the annual appearance of the Slap In The Face Every Tuesday Ghost, an event that the poor seem to take in their strides. Include the rise in recent Hay prices, forcing many families to sell their horses, or at least downgrade, and the fact that over fifty per cent of the region’s main food source – pineapples – has run away, and it could definitely be said that the people who endure such problems are indeed very strong and sturdy.
Bricks are also strong and sturdy, which is probably one of the (major) reasons why they are often chosen over jelly when it comes to making things that need to be resilient and last a long time. If bricks are sturdy, and peasants are sturdy – why not just build things out of peasants?
The pros of the situation were abundant. Peasants don’t need to be made to order (although that was another project Bander considered, involving many hooks and pulley systems and a how-to guide involving cartoon rabbits) and can transport themselves to the dig site. Plus, peasants are much cheaper. All Bander needed to do was lure in enough peasants with the promise of great wealth, and several weeks later, when they finally realised that the building they were holding up was a very permanent structure, they couldn’t do anything about it, and Bander would never have paid them any of the promised money.
The top of the towers still needed to be made of bricks; no self-respecting nobleman or woman would want to live in a tower built of people. No wants to scratch their chin and ask aloud to themselves ‘What shall I have for breakfast?’ and have the walls answer ‘Bacon and eggs.’ So the peasants would be used only as foundations.
The plan was successful, and dozens of towers were erected. On their own, a tower was simply a tower, so Bander made them in close proximity – a field of towers for the rich. For a couple of decades, the plan was perfect. The peasants at the bottom grumbled, complained, and sometimes whined, but no one paid any attention. ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ was the mantra the nobles adopted, and they found that occasionally brushing some grated cheese out of the window kept the foundations quiet.
But recently, Lord Ebrick’s foundations decided that this sort of thing wasn’t on. Someone consulted a passing lawyer, who read many long books and talked to many people (including one very wise owl he met whilst camping one summer) and came back with the conclusion that, no, it’s not ok to build a giant stone tower on the back of people. With or without their permission.
And with that, the peasants at the base of Lord Ebrick’s tower took action. Angry at having been manipulated and tricked, they rose up. Quite literally in fact. With much grunting and struggling, as one single organism those unfortunate people upon whom Lord Ebrick’s tower had been built, stood up. Lord Ebrick noticed something was amiss when he was in the bath and the water started moving to one end of the tub.
With much pushing and shoving, the peasants lifted the tower from their shoulders and let it topple to one side. Lord Ebrick was certainly surprised. So were his neighbours. Not just because their friend’s tower was falling, because it was falling towards them. When the foundations of the towers next to Lord Ebrick’s saw what was happening ,they realised that they did not have to put up with having a building on their heads either.
And so it was that the people of the Withering Sands, who for too long had had to rest bricks on their heads and listen through the floor to posh dinner parties and hope that none of the guests suggested a jumping up and down competition, rose up. One by one, all across the field of buildings, Towers began to topple. Brick structures fell to one side, smashing into their neighbours. Soon, half of the field was a pile of bricks, peasants jumping and cheering amidst a cloud of mortar dust, ghostly revellers hugging and clapping.
But it’s not over. There are many more towers left, and their inhabitants are starting to wonder if they should have treated their foundations a little better. Suddenly, a handful of grated cheese every half a week isn’t seeming to be enough. Now there’s bread, ham, and in some extreme cases where the peasants have given an experimental wobble just to test their owners, a pickled egg twice a month on a Sunday.
Fear is ripe in the air, as the nobles look to one another and try to work out who will be next. Will it be them?
Of course it’s not all good news for the peasants. Thanks to them, there are a lot of bricks lying around. The Withering Sands is in a right mess, and who do you think is going to have to clean that up?
No comments:
Post a Comment